It’s Been a Long Day

What’s one thing that shook you to your core, and yet, somehow, you still had to find a way to keep moving? For me, it was the passing of my mother, barely two weeks into the new year.

Mom was unwell. And then, she was gone. It wasn’t expected because she was about to be flown out for treatment. We were so sure she was going to get all the help she needed, and come back to us stronger. However, it never happened.

Now I am in the phase of coming to terms with reality: that I have to keep on living, working and raising my family – without her. It’s hard to come to terms with because my dad, my siblings and I were all in this bubble of being together and comforting one another. Then people start getting work calls, and someone has to go back to school, and slowly, we separate; all of us now having to contend with our grief in our own way. Especially my Dad.

Mom showing my son how to play with spoons

In addition to that, my son is now a two year old, so I am dealing with tantrums and communication barriers, even though his are not the worst, AND I am expecting another baby in just two months. Hands full! And I am still working full time, so you can imagine all this going on…

I always asked myself how Mom did it. Honestly, it’s all a walk of faith. Having faith that God will give you the strength you need to get up and get going every day. Holding on to God and asking him to keep you sane and positive minded. ‘Cause this life is always lighting fires around you, and you have to keep fighting them: fear, anger, depression, discontent, disillusionment, confusion, conflict, burnout… the list goes on.

So everyday when I wake up to go to work, even though I haven’t slept well or I am feeling like just going back to bed and not getting out, I just ask God to give me strength, ’cause people are counting on me. And I pray He will give me enough good moments in the day to offset the bad, so that I don’t freak out and make a mess of things.

I miss my mom. She meant a lot to me, and her not being around for me to talk to or see, it’s hard. All the more reason for me to lean into God and the people he puts in my path for this season. I am slowly and painfully learning to identify and let go of friends who are not meant to be a part of this process, all the while hoping that there will be a space for them in the future.

I pray for clarity, so that I can make good decisions, and so that I can see where He is leading me. Of course I don’t always pay attention, because I haven’t made that deliberate choice to be mindful of what He is trying to show me every day. I hope this post reminds me how much I need that, especially now.